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Monthly Archives: September 2011

Thanks…. But No Thanks!

Once we are in what we consider a committed relationship, we generally get introduced to our better-half’s friends and their better-half or in some cases worse-half. This can be somewhat nerve wracking especially if you are meeting a very close friend of your mans and his best mates wife, who has been around from when your man was in previously committed relationships, and knew his ex’s well. So immediately when you meet these friends, they will play pretend while sussing you and the situation out, getting a feel for who they think you are. Not realizing that often enough, your man would never introduce you to his friends if he wasn’t already certain he was happy with you, but anyway, my point is that there are a different kinds of your husband’s friends wives you will end up socializing with.

1.       TYPE 1 – The woman your man hooked up with – now dating one of his friends.

This girlfriend or wife of one of your mans friends, this is the same woman your man hooked up with 5 years before he met you (and told you about), for her this felt like a life time, but was in fact a 5 minute booty call, and then she ended up in a relationship with one of his mates, but deep down still has a little something for your man, although she will never admit it, and she will be sickly sweet to you and skinner about you behind your back, as well as find every breathing moment when you are not around them to brush lightly on your man just to remind him she’s there.

2.      TYPE 2 – The wife of the friend who has a wondering eye…

Then there is one your mans best friends who is not to happy with his wife for whatever reason, however his wife also thinks that she is entitled to compare you to your mans ex because she became best friends with her, and while she is so busy condescending you, she doesn’t even notice her husband is actually grabbing the waitresses arse behind her back, while she’s interrogating you just to make sure you are not some tramp trying to work your way through all your mans friends pants, before disappearing into the sunset.

I must be honest I don’t really like these kinds, because one minute you are happy as larry with your man, and then the next moment you are getting bombarded, with memories of your mans ex and what they all used to do together, and as you sit there listening to things that make you feel a little uneasy, you glance over at your man who is wants to run over and hi-five you because he thinks you and his mates wife are hitting it off, when in fact the smile you send back is one of… Please save me VS I am going to throttle you, you loved your ex more – even though it doesn’t matter! 

You decide what the hell, I am going to let my hair down, have one too many drinks and hit the dance floor, show this cow exactly why your man wants you, and while you know you are causing a stir because your man is bragging about you. You over hear her telling your man and his friend, that you remind her of that one slapper another one of their mates dated, But you continue with your sexy moves because you know that your man is loving the view, and because you heard him say to her whilst she was insulting you to him, that he doesn’t care what she thinks, you are all his, and he likes that you are fun loving, caring, intelligent and he’s never felt this way before! WHAM!!!!  TAKE THAT BIATCH!!!

3.      TYPE 3 – The Worst Kind!!!

This is the woman you meet at a gathering that you and what is now your husband and father of your first child, where invited to. You haven’t met any of these friends yet, so even though you feel like crap, as you still trying to drop those last kilo’s from your new born baby, you arrive feeling allot less confident then you where when you met TYPE NO2, but none the less you go in and immediately notice a woman who eyes you out like the dead frog your cat dragged in, and you think to yourself she can’t possibly be one of the people you are meeting this evening, and as you make your way to the table in the restaurant, you see this woman still penetrating your soul with her dagger eyes, making her way very briskly, almost sprinting in the same direction as you are going in, only she’s coming in from your left hand side, so you start to worry she is a crazed ex of your husbands and you just hold your husband’s hand that much tighter for fear of your life. You get to the table seconds after she has got there and it dawns on your Oh My God, she is with this table! It’s all happening so fast, but she is now latched to some mans arm, a man you have never met before, she’ now looking at you all smug for a reason you are not aware, and then it hits you… like a ton of bricks… SHE’S INSECURE!!!

In the back of your mind as you get introduced to her and her husband, who is an old acquaintance of your husbands, you think to yourself, please chick, don’t worry about me, he is most definitely NOT MY TYPE, never mind the fact that there are no similarities between your man and hers not in the slightest so why would he be your type. Still she is watching you with her evil eye. In so doing this when she who has obviously met your husband years ago tries to show you up and leans in for what is an utter over kill for a hello to your husband, but you know in your heart exactly what your husband’s type is and it’s not her for sure!

The similarities between the 3 TYPES

These people become house friends eventually, because you have kids, and they have kids, and before you know it these same woman who still gives you dagger eyes when you are not looking and smile at you when you are. These women all don’t really like you because why… Their men actually do like you, because you are nothing like their jealous women, and you make their best mate happy, and they like that.

So I have come to believe these women have devised a tactic – a tactic which I have come to learn is incredibly pathetic. They start telling you how horrid the men in their lives are, this is all in hope that you will see them as a victim and their men as monsters, this way they think you are sure to pity them and keep your distance from their men.

This I would like to add has become an epic fail for all these wives because my husband and I go everywhere together. So you end up becoming one of the boys, because your conversational skills are not solely based on children, sex and marriage, and these men enjoy your company because they have noticed how much you enjoy the relationship you and your husband are in. Minly because your husband doesn’t need to go and sit in the car when you phone to check if he’s still okay, and lie to you that he is stuck in traffic or still busy at work. These men envy that, so when you do join your husband and his mates for drinks, these men start to share their thoughts with you, asking you to befriend their wife so they can have some boy time.

You also have to end up watching what you say when the wives are around, because type no 1’s man is now bored with his relationship, type no 2’s man is having an affair and you have met the other woman, and type no 3’s man hates going home because he get verbally abused when he walks in the door.

As the years go on these marriages and relationships that your husband friends are in fizzle out and come to an ugly end, and because you are still happily married to your man and these women know it and hate it as they where all very wrong about you. However when their first sms, or call goes out, it is to you, because they are so desperate to be a part of their ex’s life, even after you have now heard that each of these men has been accused of a having an affair with you…

The questions I have been asked, by my husband’s friends ex’s because I am now considered their new BFF…

  1. My relationship isn’t quite over yet with *Jack, I think he’s seeing someone else, will you come with me so I can follow him after work and see who he is meeting up with? 
  2. Did you know he was an affair? Yes you did, I know you did, you are a liar!
  3. Have you met his new girlfriend? Is she nice? Don’t lie I know you have met her!
  4. Is his new girlfriend prettier than me? DON’T LIE I KNOW YOU HAVE MET HER!
  5. Where is he living now? Don’t lie I am sure you know!
  6. THE BEST YET!!! Even though *Jack and I are not together, I’d still like to stay friends? Can I Come Visit? I thought we were close? (Stay Friends???? I’m confused, we where friends?)

After these women have accused their men of having an affair with me, because they needed someone to blame, while these women made a point of always going out of their way to make me feel like my husband’s last choice, while these woman back stabbed me, they now want to visit, be friends, have play dates with the kids, and have long chats on the phone.

My Answer: NO NO NO… Thanks… But No Thanks..!

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Posted by on September 23, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Wedding Guest Etiquette… If you don’t have it.. GET IT!

September, being the beginning of spring is also well known for marking the beginning of the Wedding season which follows through to late April, of course there are weddings through the winter months, but generally speaking many people prefer the warmer months for their special day…

Having been to a few weddings this year, the question which seems to linger in the back of my mind of late is, wedding guest etiquette. Everyone would agree that when you are invited to a wedding, other than the fact that these days due to the expense of getting married and having that white wedding, it is an utter privilege to be included on the happy couple’s guest list, whether you are family or just friends. Many couples today simply cannot afford to have everyone there, let alone include a plus one who they don’t even know. However my point is, that it is a privilege to be included, however with that privilege comes the responsibility of a little wedding guest etiquette.

  1. This starts with you responding to the invite by the RSVP date stated.
  2. Do not ask if you can bring your children when the invite specifically stimulates NO CHILDREN, I don’t believe there are any exceptions to this, rather be polite and don’t go than put the couple in an awkward position where they feel they need to make an exception to the rule for you, as there may be other other guests with children and the couple will then feel obliged to say yes to them as well. This puts extra pressure on them so don’t do it. (I already had an baby when I got married, but my invite still said NO CHILDREN only a selected few where included – MY INFANT at the time was in very good hands for one evening, he is four years old now so clearly he managed one night without my husband and I)
  3. If Children are allowed, as much as you may not want to miss a thing, screaming toddlers, infants, and   badly behaved children are not nice, and during the ceremony and speeches if your child acts up rather take your child for a walk where the other guests and special couple don’t have to hear or be part and parcel to this. They will have the utmost respect for you, for not putting them in that awkward position to having to either shout as they say their vows, or glare over at you, with a kind smile which is in fact hiding their fury of… NO THAT IS NOT CUTE! However with due respect to everyone out there some people don’t mind.
  4. Gift choice, it is important to put some thought into the gift you will choose for the couple, these days this is made easy for us and there are gift registries, however if you don’t know what to get, the newlyweds will be very appreciative of money, as they probably want some spending money for a honeymoon and these days couples already have everything, so they will often request monetary donations to put towards something they have had their eye on.
  5. Lastly and most importantly wardrobe choice for this couples monumentally special day. Again it is the happy couple’s day, so read the invite carefully, if you don’t know what formal, smart or smart-casual is look it up or ask someone who knows. The couple has spent a great deal planning their special day, and as you are a privilege guest make a concerted effort to ensure you dress the part, its one night of your life, and this goes for your children to. 

Wardrobe choice!!!

Often the most difficult part of going to a wedding but ladies I have to be honest, lately every wedding I attend there is always a bitch who wears a the shortest, tightest white, cream or ivory dress, with bead work of some sort or even worse fur…
 
 

NO ! NO ! NO! WEDDING GUEST FAIL !!!!

These dresses leave nothing to imagination as we are well aware that you do not in fact have underwear on, but these women who feel it is okay to arrive dressed as such, honestly piss me off to my core. However when I attended the most recent weddings, I thought I was the only one who was annoyed by this and it didn’t take long for everyone else to start commenting on the aforesaid slapper in white. Whilst some of the men who commented thought that it was insecurities on other women’s behalf, an openly gay friend turned around and enlightened the group that there is no excuse to arrive at a wedding with or without a plus one dressed like a wanna be hooker bride from Hillbrow, which put my mind at ease that I have not been the only one annoyed by this utter disrespect to the bride on her special day.

  1. Some advice to ladies, to ensure you are not considered the wanna be hooker from Hillbrow, if you had or have a secret crush on the brides husband and you want to show him what he’s missing DON’T.
  2. If you are single, widowed or divorced, someone’s wedding is not a place for you to get your groove on, so don’t wear anything too provocative, it is disrespectful to the bride, whether she notices or not, all eyes are supposed to be on her, and not drawn away by your short skirt, skin tight dress, c-thru summer dress, or excessively low cut top, where your overly large breast are about to drop out onto your plate.
  3. If the bride doesn’t notice, everyone else will, and when they do even though men may be drooling at your legs that go to heaven, long awaiting a glimpse as you sit down and perhaps throw a Sharon Stone move, the truth is these men mock you to their plus-one and put you down as being an easy lay, and you could possibly be the nicest person out there, and your plus one just adores the fact that you are a tease all night, but it’s the sad truth. It’s a wedding, a long awaited day by the bride, where she wants her husband’s eyes only focused on her, and she has gone through the blood, sweat and tears of putting her perfect day together.

You too will someday be the bride of the moment, the day where you can wear whatever you like, so save your skanky dress for that day, when you want all eyes on you.

 

Until then don’t do it, because when your big day comes, and it will, don’t forget to keep an eye out for the bitch in the skimpy little white dress looking for attention, there is always one…

 
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Posted by on September 23, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

We Can’t Choose Our Family…

Strange family members, every family has them, no one likes to admit that we don’t always want these people around, but sometimes there is just no way of avoiding them, as they are in your face and terrify the neighbours as they look like the people from the movie Wrong Turn, hill billys from hell…

At the end of last year my God Mother arrived out here from the UK, much to our excitement her husband spoiled her and sent her over for here for three weeks, bad idea on his behalf, to entrust his beautiful wife, and mother of five in our care, but he did and I don’t think even he has realised how we may have tainted the woman of his dreams. Although it has to be said that she has tongue-in-cheek advice and comments, that get thrashed out regularly, she will have you hypnotized, just begging for more.

Due to the fact that she has known my mother forever, and has been her very best friend since high school she knows everything there is to know about my mom, and everything about everyone who had the pleasure honor of gracing these two reprobates with their presence. Let me not fail to mention that when these two women are together, other than the fact that they can talk the hind legs off a donkey, they can be poison, those who appreciate their humor, have constant updates on Facebook of who’s who in the zoo… (ZOO being the key word)

My God Mother has been reported and kicked-off face book for commenting on her own beliefs, that seemed to offend some and now goes my her maiden name and still keeps us fully updated on fashion tips for women over 40 – flaunting tights, low-cut tops that really show off those udders that have fed 3 kids, the muffin tops that have a sneaky way of showing the world how strange your body really is and lets not forget THE FORBIDDEN CAMEL TOE… But the best part is, those of us (ME) who have strange family members that remain undisclosed to the world, she has no problem telling the world, of her overgrown, fat, nasty, hag-hair covered sister in-laws, her father in-law who is on his “death-bed” regularly, an ongoing saga that could put the Bold and the Beautiful to shame in fact it may drop their ratings, and a mother in-law whose tact is nothing short of fish market material.

However during her stay with us, one night over a glass of wine cup of strong coffee, while browsing through Facebook, and showing her my photos, before taking a second look, or a breath, it popped out like a vicious pimple on your wedding day…… “Oh God… are those your dads brothers?”

Dads Brothers????? NO!!!!!!
 
Oh the horror…. the terrifying resemblance! My mothers best friend, who had met his family members  in the early 1980’s, honestly thought that these three stooges where my Dads brothers. At first I thought she was joking, and after the longest glare, she said to me “No Lisa really are those not your Dads brothers… After the hysteria died down I answered…. “UM NO, they are not, I googled retards and this is the picture that came up!” In disbelief, she said again, “No Really Now”, After having to actually google retards and search under images, proving to her that these three men where in fact not my uncles, she just wouldn’t accept it, as there is an uncanny resemblance.. Not to my Dad in anyway, as he is a very handsome man, but to some of his family extended family members who carry unfortunate genes from the wrong side of the family.. Maybe it is the hair style that caught her eye… or the moustach… what ever it was it frightens the day lights out of me…
 
My God, I will forever be scared when I look at this image, as I cannot help but begin to see what she saw, and as I start to think about some of the family members I refuse to acknowledge, a little Facebook search is a nice way to up my spirits, even better after reading the arguments and mud-slinging that follows a status update which could easily be a topic on Jerry Springer, and the scary truth is he would have the most suitable characters to match…
 
Now I know some people may be thinking whether I am worried that these family members in question may read this, however I can honestly say without a doubt in my mind I THINK NOT… as literacy is something that eludes many of them, and if I know some of my extended family the word blog, is far beyond their vocabulary and understanding. The question is will they follow the link and “right-click” or will they “RITE KLIKC” down on paper…
 
Never the less as I said before we all have family members we prefer not to talk about, the uncle that thinks its okay to discuss his bowel movements at sunday lunch, the aunt who’s wardrobe choice would frighten a hooker or even a cousin who thinks he’s to school for cool, and you know, deep down he was probably dropped on his head as a baby, even In-Laws or Out-Laws is the appropriate word for some, which we wish would just pretend we don’t exist, as it we may never say it to them, it would make us oh so very happy…
 
We all know we can’t choose our family… But we can choose our friends… THANK GOD!!!
 
 
 
 
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Posted by on September 13, 2011 in Human Behaviour

 

Mystery of Lifes Milestones

While I wasn’t looking, life just happened to me. I am 26 years old, married, have two children with another on the way, I run a business with my husband and all this in a matter of 5 years. What started off with a bit of lust, lust for something new, lust for love, lust for passion, turned into a babies, marriage and business. Sometimes I wonder if my life has been on fast forward. My two sons are 4 and 2 years old and the third will be born in late December, early January. I still can’t believe that while my eyes were closed and I was planning my life, life happened to me.

Being only 26 and what has been an interesting, fun, exciting journey has also been one of frustration, tears and sometimes a nagging loneliness. This is because so many of my friends that I grew up with and shared a lot of life’s “milestones” with, are all in very different places and obviously different journeys in life, which is to be expected of course, but can be a lonely process for me, as my life is now filled with many responsibilities that are very difficult to explain to my closest and dearest friends. I have found myself many times, sitting with people who are all my seniors, discussing life and where we all are in our lives, as much as I have received useful, tips, advise, and have been able to share my feelings and experiences with them, grateful that they have understood exactly where I am coming from. As much as I have appreciated all the wisdom shared, It doesn’t stop that feeling of being a baby taking its first steps, as my seniors have already been there and done that.

I get that we all progress at different paces, but Oh, I hope someday I will be understood by my peers, that they will understand that all the venting I shared with them was because there where times that where so tough, I was looking for that shoulder to cry on, that shoulder to tell me no matter what happens Lis, no matter what choice you make, I will never judge you, I will stand by you, I will accept you with all your faults, and whether you make a bad choice or a good choice you have my support, and a shoulder to cry on. That they will understand the joys as well as the massive responsibilities of having a child, a child that looks back at them, and they can see all of the achievements in their children’s eyes, and wonder what the hell took me so long, why was I scared, and I can then be there for them in return through all the good as well as the bad.

 They will understand when they have made that commitment to the man or woman in their lives, that there is a change, a change that cannot be explained, but that with all the ups there will be downs and that they will want to fight harder to make this relationship work. They will understand what I meant when I said I cannot understand why the world is so self-absorbed with appearance, and the endless list of wanting to have more when you already have everything you need and that we are all so busy competing with everyone else, whether it’s comparing your relationship to someone elses less than perfect one (in your eyes), or comparing children, and houses, cars, clothes and all the other material things that every one of us allow to take over our lives, how we lose sight of who and what we are. Whether their experiences are similar or not there will be times where even though we are all so different, and whether its one who is stronger, harder, more loving, forgiving, more compassionate, no matter what it is there will be a silent understanding.

I know that this is all to be expected in life and is more than likely another one of life’s milestones that each one of us have to experience and I am grateful that the universe has put what seems like a mountain to overcome in my path, even if it is a tough journey, it is my journey of self discovery. I am learning new things about myself everyday, in between the hustle and bustle of daily activities, I still time find time to reflect on the journey I have already taken and realise that no matter how frustrating it has been as times that there have been many great times that I have cherished and keep close to my heart.

The next life milestones await us all! It happens when we aren’t looking…

 
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Posted by on September 13, 2011 in Journey Of Life

 

Some Nookie – Good for the Soul…

The topic on my mind of late has been sex, sex and more sex. The fact that I am a Scorpio, may be part of the reason as Scorpio’s are of course the sex sign of the zodiac, it would also explain my deep obsession to become a sexologist. Nothing frightens me, nothing about sex intimidates me it is something I would like to know everything about.

This is an act I do not believe we could live without, even Maslows Hierarchy of needs states that in order to survive we NEED, Food, Water, Shelter, Clothes, and SEX. Now whether that is to maintain the survival of the species or not. I fully believe that it is something we cannot live without. Could you imagine if we had to, I am sure we would all become demented zombies. Someone said the other day that we cannot let “that poison” build up in our bodies as it could be harmful to pets and children, anyone in the way of a sexually frustrated person will risk the path of destruction and doom…

I believe that this could be facing a serious humanitarian problem with anger issues, if we all had sex we would all be much happier I am certain of it, well in fact I don’t have to be certain it’s science, having sex releases feel good endorphins. Here are some facts of how sex is good for your health.

  1. IMPROVED SENSE OF SMELL
  2. REDUCED RISK OF HEART DISEASE
  3. WEIGHT LOSS AND OVER ALL FITNESS
  4. REDUCED DEPRESSION
  5. PAIN-RELIEF
  6. LESS FREQUENT COLDS AND FLU
  7. BETTER BLADDER CONTROL
  8. BETTER TEETH
  9. A HAPPIER PROSTATE
  10. LONGEVITY

I have given you ten reasons why its good to be doing it, if you don’t believe me google it. I am sure all of you have thrown a comment or two about how you think your boss didn’t “get it all this morning” because he or she is uptight, and being a down right bitch or bastard.

I don’t believe sex is to be abused and it is certainly not a duty, it is a gift we have been given and the truth is, you cannot get anymore intimate with the one you love. It is one-act that is about the two of you, and only the two of you, not the kids, the dog, the office, or any other bloody responsibilities. A moment of freedom, fun, passion and then the release of two souls that merge in to one magnificent explosion. Sometimes (if you into that thing) it’s about three people, whatever it is for you, love it treasure it and experiment with it. If not because you want to, then at least for Longevity.. you will live longer its a fact…

Now get off the treadmill out of the gym and GO AND GET IT ON…

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on September 8, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

It’s all very vague….

 

Motherhood can be somewhat interesting to say the least.

I have been blessed with two beautiful boys, and there is another boy on its way. I absolutely adore my children however pregnancy and myself do not agree with one another. After a long look in the mirror this weekend, I realised that I have a double chin, which seems to contagious as it is infecting the rest of body at the speed of Husain Bolt. It is taking no survivors on its path of bodily destruction. I now have a double chin, followed by double arms, double thighs, and don’t let me get started on the bum, as that is racing out horizontally, vertically, and diagonally at speeds unknown to man, eventually I should be able to set dinned for twelve on this booty. They don’t mention any of this in the what to expect books for expectant mothers. They also fail to mention anything about mothers expecting their second let alone third child, as though it is assumed if you have done it once you will know exactly whats happening second and third time around.

These books briefly, and by briefly I am getting certain that it could be five words or less that explain the hormonal changes that can be experienced. They fail to mention that you will want to rip your husbands eyes out with a teaspoon, shout uncontrollably at your already existing children and you will certainly get more and more angry at your pants that are choking the life out of your bum, thighs, tummy and little one who is quite happy in his little haven and is in no rush to join the real world, no rush at all. I know big can be beautiful, but big and demonic I don’t even think can be a pretty sight at all. They don’t tell you of the exhaustion that sets in due to the fact that you are still in the process of house training the little one you already have, or the fact that trying to explain that you are not a jungle gym or jumping castle to a child of two years old doesn’t work.

My eldest son  is turning four in October and although he can be complimentary on how beautiful I may look and tell me constantly how much he loves me, he cannot understand why I call him every morning to help get mommies shoes out the bottom of the cupboard as I can’t bend over without feeling I might break something, no instead in his gentle little voice he wants to know if my stomach is going to keep blowing up and if I’ll eventually pop and die…? He also asked me the other day why my stomach was getting as big as my bum, and needless to say my husband fell into an uncontrolable hysteria, and the more I looked at him with my demonic eyes as if to say, you think it’s funny do you… funny, why don’t you lug this extra weight around, better yet why couldn’t you be the one carrying this baby around, I’ve only done this twice before, just once wouldn’t kill you…

The books also don’t tell you how to explain to your husband that as much as he may have prefered your pre-pregnant body, and the fact that you where still trying to get rid those evil kilos from the last two children, that as much as you try to want to be healthy this last time around. The fact that although during the past two pregnancies you watched what you ate, apparently even though you are having ANOTHER boy and your cravings and moods, should be known by now, this baby is causing you to want to break into Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and eat as much as you can, and even if you want to be sick from eating more you just cannot control yourself and will force another one in like the fat kid Augustus Gloop from Charlie & the Chocolate factory…

So don’t you dare comment on any extra pounds, how dare you even insinuate that perhaps I should slow down, it’s the only comfort I have right now, and every time I eat a damn salad, the indigestion that builds up forces me to hang my head in the toilet, because clearly this baby is not going to give me a break at all, until he gets what it wants. ( Like Most Men )

As for my youngest son, regardless of the fact that he carries himself like a thug most of the time, he is just adorable and is really becoming a little boy. He can’t get enough of me, and I assume this is because he can sense that there is someone or something on its way, to ruin the fact that he will be the pampered baby of the family. He is so attached to me at the moment that he will not sleep unless he can hold onto me, and yes this includes when he is fast asleep at night, so all night I get kicked head to toe, I have had the heel of his foot slam into my eye, JUST as I have fallen asleep, a hand holding on to my shirt to the point that my backside goes dead from only being allowed in one position all night long. To top it all he is a Scorpio, and Scorpio’s do not appreciate being woken in an unwelcoming fashion in the morning. ( I Know I Am  One ) The first words that came out of his mouth this morning where STOOPID DOGGIES, as the dogs where barking and it had awoken him from the deep slumber he and ONLY he enjoyed last night, as hubby and I where certainly not allowed that privilege from our youngest… Please… why would we be?

Good luck to my next son as with the little hoodlum like Trent, I don’t see the little one getting off lightly stealing the lime light. However as a mother you hope for the best that they will all fall into routine with one another and you won’t have to play referee.

These what to expect books tell you nothing of what to really expect, no, I believe they could all possibly be written by men, who do not in fact know everything. You would have thought that by now, that a doctor would have invented a cream for bad moods, I mean they have an inoculation for cervical cancer, and still nothing to assist us demonic pregnant woman from committing mass murder.

I am stunned at the fact that women have been bearing children for hundreds and thousands of years, and yet the books don’t really tell us what to expect. Perhaps a group of pregnant woman should get together and put a book of short stories together explaining their experiences so all the other women out there can really relate to one another… Anyone who is or has been pregnant will agree that these images of women who have stunning bodies while pregnant are annoying as it is few and far between, and normal woman you have to work everyday, go home and look after their kids are way to exhausted to even go to gym, who cares about the celebs post pregnancy workout.. I don’t have the time so stop rubbing it in my face… Reality is women struggle to deal with all their hormones, the exhaustion of having children and a new baby, as well as trying to hold it all together so you don’t lose your job for having a melt down… Where are these real life articles? Where are those what to expect books. To all the people out there that have written these books… Come on get with the program, not everything is so romantic… I want self-help books and pictures that I can relate to …. I am yet to find them.

 

 

 
2 Comments

Posted by on September 5, 2011 in Pregnancy

 

Sophistication and Grace…. SAY WHAT???

Anyone who has the pride, the privilege, the pleasure, nay the honor of knowing me will tell you that although I may try my utmost to behave like a lady, the art of sophistication seems to elude me, and I was blessed with a fog horn for a voice, the mouth of a druncken sailor and have a way of gathering crowd, not always in a good way however everyone deserves a laugh at my expense every once in a while.

Although my mother tried her best to ensure I carried myself well, and had the correct etiquette, I find that as the years progress, I am certainly not becoming more graceful and sophisticated, instead, I will find a wet floor to slip on, wear a beautiful summer dress that just happens to hook on a restaurant chair, leaving everything at the back from the waist down on display for the world to see. Let me enlighten you on one little fact, I do not profess to have buns of steel… no no no I was handed an extra share of bum and thighs on my way into this world…

So needless to say, a gaping summer dress showing off my comfort assets at The Cape Town Fish Market, Mid Summer at Ushaka Marine World is somewhat awkward.

I will have to start getting myself under control though as I have two young children who within the next three to four years will not appreciate my unpolished personality, No No, they will hide me from the world, I will be forced to drop them a block away from school, no kisses in public, and perhaps they’ll take to calling me by my first name, and pass me off as their aftercare nanny. They’ll tell stories of how they think I was released from a mental institution and drink on the sly, and that’s why I am so clumsy and loud.

Even if I try, at the end of the day this is who I am. I can and will live to fall flat on my face at the ABSA Stadium Super 14 Sharks VS Bulls in the stands, once more.

Perhaps I wasn’t built for sophistication and grace, but I was built to get the stomach wrenching laugh out of the crowds for being simply human and will always be remembered as that girl and woman who found every flight of stairs to trip walking up yes up….

However, I do believe in one thing, that makes awkward moments bearable, act as though it was all part of the plan, and always throw in the comment…

“Why Should I be embarrassed if everyone else is embarrassed for me?”

 

 

 

 
4 Comments

Posted by on September 2, 2011 in Human Behaviour

 
 
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