Category Archives: Human Behaviour

We Can’t Choose Our Family…

Strange family members, every family has them, no one likes to admit that we don’t always want these people around, but sometimes there is just no way of avoiding them, as they are in your face and terrify the neighbours as they look like the people from the movie Wrong Turn, hill billys from hell…

At the end of last year my God Mother arrived out here from the UK, much to our excitement her husband spoiled her and sent her over for here for three weeks, bad idea on his behalf, to entrust his beautiful wife, and mother of five in our care, but he did and I don’t think even he has realised how we may have tainted the woman of his dreams. Although it has to be said that she has tongue-in-cheek advice and comments, that get thrashed out regularly, she will have you hypnotized, just begging for more.

Due to the fact that she has known my mother forever, and has been her very best friend since high school she knows everything there is to know about my mom, and everything about everyone who had the pleasure honor of gracing these two reprobates with their presence. Let me not fail to mention that when these two women are together, other than the fact that they can talk the hind legs off a donkey, they can be poison, those who appreciate their humor, have constant updates on Facebook of who’s who in the zoo… (ZOO being the key word)

My God Mother has been reported and kicked-off face book for commenting on her own beliefs, that seemed to offend some and now goes my her maiden name and still keeps us fully updated on fashion tips for women over 40 – flaunting tights, low-cut tops that really show off those udders that have fed 3 kids, the muffin tops that have a sneaky way of showing the world how strange your body really is and lets not forget THE FORBIDDEN CAMEL TOE… But the best part is, those of us (ME) who have strange family members that remain undisclosed to the world, she has no problem telling the world, of her overgrown, fat, nasty, hag-hair covered sister in-laws, her father in-law who is on his “death-bed” regularly, an ongoing saga that could put the Bold and the Beautiful to shame in fact it may drop their ratings, and a mother in-law whose tact is nothing short of fish market material.

However during her stay with us, one night over a glass of wine cup of strong coffee, while browsing through Facebook, and showing her my photos, before taking a second look, or a breath, it popped out like a vicious pimple on your wedding day…… “Oh God… are those your dads brothers?”

Dads Brothers????? NO!!!!!!
Oh the horror…. the terrifying resemblance! My mothers best friend, who had met his family members  in the early 1980’s, honestly thought that these three stooges where my Dads brothers. At first I thought she was joking, and after the longest glare, she said to me “No Lisa really are those not your Dads brothers… After the hysteria died down I answered…. “UM NO, they are not, I googled retards and this is the picture that came up!” In disbelief, she said again, “No Really Now”, After having to actually google retards and search under images, proving to her that these three men where in fact not my uncles, she just wouldn’t accept it, as there is an uncanny resemblance.. Not to my Dad in anyway, as he is a very handsome man, but to some of his family extended family members who carry unfortunate genes from the wrong side of the family.. Maybe it is the hair style that caught her eye… or the moustach… what ever it was it frightens the day lights out of me…
My God, I will forever be scared when I look at this image, as I cannot help but begin to see what she saw, and as I start to think about some of the family members I refuse to acknowledge, a little Facebook search is a nice way to up my spirits, even better after reading the arguments and mud-slinging that follows a status update which could easily be a topic on Jerry Springer, and the scary truth is he would have the most suitable characters to match…
Now I know some people may be thinking whether I am worried that these family members in question may read this, however I can honestly say without a doubt in my mind I THINK NOT… as literacy is something that eludes many of them, and if I know some of my extended family the word blog, is far beyond their vocabulary and understanding. The question is will they follow the link and “right-click” or will they “RITE KLIKC” down on paper…
Never the less as I said before we all have family members we prefer not to talk about, the uncle that thinks its okay to discuss his bowel movements at sunday lunch, the aunt who’s wardrobe choice would frighten a hooker or even a cousin who thinks he’s to school for cool, and you know, deep down he was probably dropped on his head as a baby, even In-Laws or Out-Laws is the appropriate word for some, which we wish would just pretend we don’t exist, as it we may never say it to them, it would make us oh so very happy…
We all know we can’t choose our family… But we can choose our friends… THANK GOD!!!
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Posted by on September 13, 2011 in Human Behaviour


Sophistication and Grace…. SAY WHAT???

Anyone who has the pride, the privilege, the pleasure, nay the honor of knowing me will tell you that although I may try my utmost to behave like a lady, the art of sophistication seems to elude me, and I was blessed with a fog horn for a voice, the mouth of a druncken sailor and have a way of gathering crowd, not always in a good way however everyone deserves a laugh at my expense every once in a while.

Although my mother tried her best to ensure I carried myself well, and had the correct etiquette, I find that as the years progress, I am certainly not becoming more graceful and sophisticated, instead, I will find a wet floor to slip on, wear a beautiful summer dress that just happens to hook on a restaurant chair, leaving everything at the back from the waist down on display for the world to see. Let me enlighten you on one little fact, I do not profess to have buns of steel… no no no I was handed an extra share of bum and thighs on my way into this world…

So needless to say, a gaping summer dress showing off my comfort assets at The Cape Town Fish Market, Mid Summer at Ushaka Marine World is somewhat awkward.

I will have to start getting myself under control though as I have two young children who within the next three to four years will not appreciate my unpolished personality, No No, they will hide me from the world, I will be forced to drop them a block away from school, no kisses in public, and perhaps they’ll take to calling me by my first name, and pass me off as their aftercare nanny. They’ll tell stories of how they think I was released from a mental institution and drink on the sly, and that’s why I am so clumsy and loud.

Even if I try, at the end of the day this is who I am. I can and will live to fall flat on my face at the ABSA Stadium Super 14 Sharks VS Bulls in the stands, once more.

Perhaps I wasn’t built for sophistication and grace, but I was built to get the stomach wrenching laugh out of the crowds for being simply human and will always be remembered as that girl and woman who found every flight of stairs to trip walking up yes up….

However, I do believe in one thing, that makes awkward moments bearable, act as though it was all part of the plan, and always throw in the comment…

“Why Should I be embarrassed if everyone else is embarrassed for me?”





Posted by on September 2, 2011 in Human Behaviour

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