Motherhood can be somewhat interesting to say the least.
I have been blessed with two beautiful boys, and there is another boy on its way. I absolutely adore my children however pregnancy and myself do not agree with one another. After a long look in the mirror this weekend, I realised that I have a double chin, which seems to contagious as it is infecting the rest of body at the speed of Husain Bolt. It is taking no survivors on its path of bodily destruction. I now have a double chin, followed by double arms, double thighs, and don’t let me get started on the bum, as that is racing out horizontally, vertically, and diagonally at speeds unknown to man, eventually I should be able to set dinned for twelve on this booty. They don’t mention any of this in the what to expect books for expectant mothers. They also fail to mention anything about mothers expecting their second let alone third child, as though it is assumed if you have done it once you will know exactly whats happening second and third time around.
These books briefly, and by briefly I am getting certain that it could be five words or less that explain the hormonal changes that can be experienced. They fail to mention that you will want to rip your husbands eyes out with a teaspoon, shout uncontrollably at your already existing children and you will certainly get more and more angry at your pants that are choking the life out of your bum, thighs, tummy and little one who is quite happy in his little haven and is in no rush to join the real world, no rush at all. I know big can be beautiful, but big and demonic I don’t even think can be a pretty sight at all. They don’t tell you of the exhaustion that sets in due to the fact that you are still in the process of house training the little one you already have, or the fact that trying to explain that you are not a jungle gym or jumping castle to a child of two years old doesn’t work.
My eldest son is turning four in October and although he can be complimentary on how beautiful I may look and tell me constantly how much he loves me, he cannot understand why I call him every morning to help get mommies shoes out the bottom of the cupboard as I can’t bend over without feeling I might break something, no instead in his gentle little voice he wants to know if my stomach is going to keep blowing up and if I’ll eventually pop and die…? He also asked me the other day why my stomach was getting as big as my bum, and needless to say my husband fell into an uncontrolable hysteria, and the more I looked at him with my demonic eyes as if to say, you think it’s funny do you… funny, why don’t you lug this extra weight around, better yet why couldn’t you be the one carrying this baby around, I’ve only done this twice before, just once wouldn’t kill you…
The books also don’t tell you how to explain to your husband that as much as he may have prefered your pre-pregnant body, and the fact that you where still trying to get rid those evil kilos from the last two children, that as much as you try to want to be healthy this last time around. The fact that although during the past two pregnancies you watched what you ate, apparently even though you are having ANOTHER boy and your cravings and moods, should be known by now, this baby is causing you to want to break into Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and eat as much as you can, and even if you want to be sick from eating more you just cannot control yourself and will force another one in like the fat kid Augustus Gloop from Charlie & the Chocolate factory…
So don’t you dare comment on any extra pounds, how dare you even insinuate that perhaps I should slow down, it’s the only comfort I have right now, and every time I eat a damn salad, the indigestion that builds up forces me to hang my head in the toilet, because clearly this baby is not going to give me a break at all, until he gets what it wants. ( Like Most Men )
As for my youngest son, regardless of the fact that he carries himself like a thug most of the time, he is just adorable and is really becoming a little boy. He can’t get enough of me, and I assume this is because he can sense that there is someone or something on its way, to ruin the fact that he will be the pampered baby of the family. He is so attached to me at the moment that he will not sleep unless he can hold onto me, and yes this includes when he is fast asleep at night, so all night I get kicked head to toe, I have had the heel of his foot slam into my eye, JUST as I have fallen asleep, a hand holding on to my shirt to the point that my backside goes dead from only being allowed in one position all night long. To top it all he is a Scorpio, and Scorpio’s do not appreciate being woken in an unwelcoming fashion in the morning. ( I Know I Am One ) The first words that came out of his mouth this morning where STOOPID DOGGIES, as the dogs where barking and it had awoken him from the deep slumber he and ONLY he enjoyed last night, as hubby and I where certainly not allowed that privilege from our youngest… Please… why would we be?
Good luck to my next son as with the little hoodlum like Trent, I don’t see the little one getting off lightly stealing the lime light. However as a mother you hope for the best that they will all fall into routine with one another and you won’t have to play referee.
These what to expect books tell you nothing of what to really expect, no, I believe they could all possibly be written by men, who do not in fact know everything. You would have thought that by now, that a doctor would have invented a cream for bad moods, I mean they have an inoculation for cervical cancer, and still nothing to assist us demonic pregnant woman from committing mass murder.
I am stunned at the fact that women have been bearing children for hundreds and thousands of years, and yet the books don’t really tell us what to expect. Perhaps a group of pregnant woman should get together and put a book of short stories together explaining their experiences so all the other women out there can really relate to one another… Anyone who is or has been pregnant will agree that these images of women who have stunning bodies while pregnant are annoying as it is few and far between, and normal woman you have to work everyday, go home and look after their kids are way to exhausted to even go to gym, who cares about the celebs post pregnancy workout.. I don’t have the time so stop rubbing it in my face… Reality is women struggle to deal with all their hormones, the exhaustion of having children and a new baby, as well as trying to hold it all together so you don’t lose your job for having a melt down… Where are these real life articles? Where are those what to expect books. To all the people out there that have written these books… Come on get with the program, not everything is so romantic… I want self-help books and pictures that I can relate to …. I am yet to find them.